Pillow Talk

Every day when I get home I go to my room to change. I know I will have to take a shower for later to start getting ready for the next day but I don’t care. But yesterday was different, I didn’t get folly changed. Only my shirt, I stayed in my jeans for some reason that I still don’t know. I went out to the living room where I sat in my fluffy chair that rocks and put my feet up waiting for my dad to get home. I played on my phone with my bird on my shoulder. Not wanting to move even for a drink I sat there. Soon my dad did come home and I greeted him with the usually “hello papa” Most days we would talk about his and my day and about things that are coming up, but not yesterday. Yesterday I was so tired for reasons that I don’t know. So I fell asleep, right in my chair. At sometime my bird had gone with my dad to his room. My dad later asked for the remote that was next to me and I gave it to him as I rolled over. I remember a few times walking up making my dad look at me and smile. At around 8:30 I took my bird to our room and crawled under the covers myself. But when I couldn’t sleep I got back out of bed to do some homework. I thought for most of the time I was up though. I thought about not talking to my dad. I missed it and was sad that I fell asleep during the time were we’re suppose to talk about the things that went on in my day. But mostly I wanted to ask him about this weekend. I want to practice my makeup for Halloween but cant if I don’t have it.

I kept thinking about my dad and how he probably felt. But that’s when I remembered his smile. It was so kind as if it was saying, “Look at my baby girl.” Even the sounds he was making told me he was happy. There were no loud ruff sighs or cries of pain. Only his loud breathing that he always did. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night. My thoughts soon travelled to how my dad feels day to day. Knowing I wasn’t going to get any homework done I gave up and went back to bed. On my bed is one of the pillows that my mom used. I convinced my dad to let me keep it saying how much I loved pillows, but really I found comfort in it. That night I found myself clutching on to it and smelling it trying to smell my mom. Sadly the smells of detergent blocked out her smell. It hurt knowing that part of her was gone too.

I woke up to the sound of my dad’s voice, blinking my eyes wondering what time it was. As the clouds cleared from my brain I answered him say “Hi papa” knowing it was about 6am the time he leaves every morning. I loved it when daddy wakes me up in the morning. This morning though I wanted to jump from my bed and hug him. The only thing keeping me from doing so was the fact of the pillows and blankets had taken me in as one of their own and if I left that would mean I betrayed them.